THE RANT OF ZORRO COMEDY TROUPE CULTURE CLASH COMES FACE-TO-MASK WITH THE SUAVE BUT SEETHING LEGEND —from Tu Ciudad, November / December 2005 When we heard that Antonio Banderas was again pulling out his, ahem sword for the feature film The Legend of Zorro, we decided to seek out El Zorro original, Don Diego de la Vega. Yes, the legend himself! You thought he was a gringo literary construct, but in fact he is real—alive and well but livin’ on the down low. It wasn’t easy tracking down the Masked One, but we found him through his agent (he’s still represented by CAA). We cruised up to EZ’s Mission-style manse in the Hollywood Hills, and after a few minutes he greeted us in his customary caballero-chic regalia. He is elegant, handsome and tall—taller, in fact, than Banderas. CULTURE CLASH: Senor Zorro, why do you think you have lasted so long? EL ZORRO: We have a need to create heroes—create and destroy them. One man’s hero is another man’s terrorist. I was called a menace because I wanted to help the poor. Subcomandante Marcos, los Zapatistas, Yasir Arafat, Che Guevera, Antonio Villaraigosa—saints to some and sinners to others. It all depends on who is in power. By the way, have you been to Hooters? You’ve been in hiding for a while. Why have you resurfaced? I googled myself recently and found a Zorro Taqueria, Zorro moving Co., Zorro porn sites…I was the pinche Wal-Mart price slasher last year! I’m suing for character defamation. What do you think of the current state of California? With this foreign-born governor in Sacramento, it’s all going to hell! Special interest groups and developers run the state. They’re worse than the rancheros in my time! Ah, I miss the good old days of California: colorful bandidos, sleep, peasants, nonstop fiestas, promiscuous senoritas with mid-Atlantic accents… That was a fantasy, an idealistic Spanish version of California. You Chicanos used to possess a sense of romance, a spirit for adventure and rebelliousness! But now you movimiento brats are complacent, driving around in your SUVs, raising your children on Pollo Loco and Big Gulps. You sound pissed. You bet your burro I’m pissed! If I weren’t so old, I would get on my horse and fight. Pobre California—now an endless series of housing subdivisions and strip malls choking what little natural beauty is left. There’s no more open land for the brown bear to roam. Worth fighting for, qué no? The three of us looked at each other and politely thanked El Zorro for his time. We drove down the hill in silence, then donned the black masks that we’d stashed in the glove compartment. Culture Clash was ready to join the fight. Richard steered his Cadillac convertible onto the 5 freeway north and we headed for…Sacramento! The comedy group Culture Clash—Richard Montoya, Rick Salinas and Herbert Siguenza—is currently writing Zorro in Hell, which is scheduled to premiere next March at Berkeley Repertory Theatre. A staged reading will be held December 3 and 4 at the Museum of the American West (formerly the Autry Museum of Western Heritage) in LA. BACK TO TOP